Don't feel

I've been pretending that i feel nothing. And how can anyone prove otherwise?  I walk around with my automatic half smile and regulated demeanor. I think this gig is becoming second nature to me.

Problem is, i hurt inside. But i can't show it and i can tell anyone.. and ordinarily in times like this, I could cut myself and get over it. But i must not. Because if i don't cut, then who can say I'm feeling any pain? And if i don't laugh, who can say i find this to be humorous? And i don't jump, who can say that I've got suicide in my head?
No one.
And that's my best companion... no one.

Comfort

Trying to figure out
If it's love or my dismay.
I guess I just need to know
Do I give up or I should wait?

I just want to understand
Why the fuck you couldn't stay,
Together, we made so much sense
But you left anyway.

I'll put my heart back into
The freezer from which it came,
Lock it, cast it in cement,
And throw the key away.

Whether you love me or not,
I can't yet ascertain.
So I'll settle into the comfort of
Not having a heart to break.

(12/10/14.   A.Poor)

Unfurled

Hating myself
That's all I can do.
Trying to remember
Why I loved you.

Ignore

Your disinterest
Is fucking obvious.
I don't need your lies
To get by
So just stop.

Dear Anorexia

Dear Anorexia,

You've already won. You're swallowing me whole, making me nothing. You've given me an ultimatum and decided for me. How could any person in her right mind chose ANA over her own children?
I want to die. You have taken everything from me.

Sincerely,

Adrienne

Its been a weeks ince i've written anything. But sometimes life has a way of taking away your time so you have none to do what you'd like.
Juan... I hate that guy. But it seems to me like he wont let me go. in all honesty i think i'm leading him on to thibnking that we'll have a good relationsip again. i don't want that. i really don't but what am i supposed to do? He's so jeaouls and posessive.
I WANT TO GET MARRIED, HAVE MORE KIDS, A HOUSE AND BE LOVED.
He has a distorted perception of marrage and i can't handle that. I need someone who is going to love me.... not get mad at me for texting my friends.
"Who are you talking to?" He asks angrily
"Does is really matter?!" I ask in response.
"Yes."
"No it doesn't!"
"Stop texting!" He insists, like i'm murdering someone.
"No."
"GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE!"
"NO!"
he huffs and puffs and can't seem to handle me talking to my friends... or whoever it may be.
"THAN LEAVE!!!" He tells me.
"ok."
I gathered up my things, had Analyn get her shoes on and put her toys away, i grabed aiden from his crib and the children and i left.

I don't understand. He couldn't love me before. and now he's all head over heals for me again... with the most posessive attitude i've ever seen.
I've been staying with him and the kids at his parents house. Mostly because i can't afford to feed the kids here. Well I guess thats the worst thing i can do if i don't want a relationship with him. Because he's certainly getting the wrong impression.
He doesn't know that I'm still dating around... however, giving up on that whole thing rather quickly here.
Well, computer is dying. i'll write later.

Lettin Him Go.

((Photo Taken 1/2010))

I thought maybe i should put a face to the name.

Left is Scott.

I honestly loved him up until recently.

I know, two monts after the break up i should be fine, right? RIGHT!. Wrong. It wasn't the case. I was still really bent about him and it was killing me.

But recently i have discovered more and more about me and what we were... and now i understand why he dumped me.

He was right, we weren't meant to be. Now that doesn't mean that i am meant for no one at all. Just means that Scott had alot less going on in his life at the time than i did and he didn't know how to handle it. Makes perfect sense now that I look at it.

He made me so happy, he opened my eyes. But... the breakup.. made me so sick, changed who i was into who I am. Yeah, so I'm a little... ok, I'm really cautious about who i date, who I wanna talk to and everything like that. Its ok.

I lost weight, built confidence. And although I am still really insecure and have awful moodswings, I'm a beautiful person... and the one meant for me will see that, accept that, and perhaps adjust to my chaos.

There are many greats photos taken while i was with Scott. Our time together was time well spent.

Now on with my life!!!