Dear Anorexia

Dear Anorexia,

You've already won. You're swallowing me whole, making me nothing. You've given me an ultimatum and decided for me. How could any person in her right mind chose ANA over her own children?
I want to die. You have taken everything from me.

Sincerely,

Adrienne

Its been a weeks ince i've written anything. But sometimes life has a way of taking away your time so you have none to do what you'd like.
Juan... I hate that guy. But it seems to me like he wont let me go. in all honesty i think i'm leading him on to thibnking that we'll have a good relationsip again. i don't want that. i really don't but what am i supposed to do? He's so jeaouls and posessive.
I WANT TO GET MARRIED, HAVE MORE KIDS, A HOUSE AND BE LOVED.
He has a distorted perception of marrage and i can't handle that. I need someone who is going to love me.... not get mad at me for texting my friends.
"Who are you talking to?" He asks angrily
"Does is really matter?!" I ask in response.
"Yes."
"No it doesn't!"
"Stop texting!" He insists, like i'm murdering someone.
"No."
"GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE!"
"NO!"
he huffs and puffs and can't seem to handle me talking to my friends... or whoever it may be.
"THAN LEAVE!!!" He tells me.
"ok."
I gathered up my things, had Analyn get her shoes on and put her toys away, i grabed aiden from his crib and the children and i left.

I don't understand. He couldn't love me before. and now he's all head over heals for me again... with the most posessive attitude i've ever seen.
I've been staying with him and the kids at his parents house. Mostly because i can't afford to feed the kids here. Well I guess thats the worst thing i can do if i don't want a relationship with him. Because he's certainly getting the wrong impression.
He doesn't know that I'm still dating around... however, giving up on that whole thing rather quickly here.
Well, computer is dying. i'll write later.

Lettin Him Go.

((Photo Taken 1/2010))

I thought maybe i should put a face to the name.

Left is Scott.

I honestly loved him up until recently.

I know, two monts after the break up i should be fine, right? RIGHT!. Wrong. It wasn't the case. I was still really bent about him and it was killing me.

But recently i have discovered more and more about me and what we were... and now i understand why he dumped me.

He was right, we weren't meant to be. Now that doesn't mean that i am meant for no one at all. Just means that Scott had alot less going on in his life at the time than i did and he didn't know how to handle it. Makes perfect sense now that I look at it.

He made me so happy, he opened my eyes. But... the breakup.. made me so sick, changed who i was into who I am. Yeah, so I'm a little... ok, I'm really cautious about who i date, who I wanna talk to and everything like that. Its ok.

I lost weight, built confidence. And although I am still really insecure and have awful moodswings, I'm a beautiful person... and the one meant for me will see that, accept that, and perhaps adjust to my chaos.

There are many greats photos taken while i was with Scott. Our time together was time well spent.

Now on with my life!!!

07/19/2010

I had two promising dates today... I really hope i'm in the positive side of the 50%!!!

Fifty Percent Mortality

I sit awake in my quiet room which is centered in the house. No door, instead a beige curtain separates me from the dining room.
I've got chills and my head hurts. I rub my infected ear only to discover pus oozing. Just as well, I figured it would come to this. Silently worried, I decided to Google "Pseudomonas a." and read a little bit. The page tells me "It is a pathogen that takes advantage of the weakened immune system of an ill person and causes different infections. Thus these types of pathogen are called 'opportunistic pathogens'." Nothing I didn't already know. I continue reading, reviewing its gram-negative stain and how it is diagnosed, the short incubation period of one to three days... I read on to the last paragraph which tells me something I don't want to know: "Mortality rate due to Pseudomonas a. infection is almost 50%..."
My heart drops. I'm actually worried about this now. So you may understand, my history follows.

August of 2004 I awoke with blood on my pillow. I examined my mouth, nose and hands. Nothing bleeding. As i stood up i got so dizzy i wanted to vomit, and sat down on my bed which did nothing. I grabbed my head on both sides with the hope that it would ease. It didn't. At the time I was 16, living in a residential girls school. A member of the staff came to get me becuse i wasn't in the hall with the other 15 girls. "Jees Adrienne!" she said. "What is going on with your face?" I only gave her a look. I couldn't even see straight. "Whats bleeding?" she asked me as she grabbed me by the arm to help me get up. "I don't know, but its not my face" I told her. She disagreed as she noticed the blood on my pillow.
All 16 of us girls made our way down stairs to the dinning room to have breakfast. I stumbled, staggered and ran into everything around me. "I FEEL LIKE A DRUNK!" I exclaimed as i sat roughly on a couch. "and you look like one too..." said a girl from across the room.
Another staff came to my side, looked in my eyes looked at my hands, arms and then starteld me, "WOAH!" she said as she got up. The discovery had been made. It was my ear.
"We're going to take you to the infirmary as soon as we get to the main building" she told me.
And I agreed it was a good idea.
When we arrived, the nurse immediately got on the phone with a doctor... when she hung up she turned to me and said, "Have you been eating?" "What does that have to do with my ear?" I asked. "Nothing, but you look like you've lost a few pounds. Would you like to lay down?" She pointed to a cot in the adjacent room.
"Laying down makes the room spin more, no thanks."
"The doctor will be here in about half hour. you can stay put here or try to go to class." She told me.
"I'll go to class."
Sure enough i couldn't focus. But I sat and pretended anyway. Moments later i was called back to the infirmary.
The doctor looked in my ear, eyes and mouth. then paused and told me, "you're scheduled to see a specialist tomorrow. Hang in there."
The next day... CT scans of my head revealed what was feared, I had a Cholesteatoma (tumor) that needed to be removed. "You're down for December 6th." Said the surgeon as she explained what she would be doing and handed me pamphlets.
December came around... the surgery was cancelled.
Finally, age 18, August 3rd, 2006 i go under the knife. The surgery takes 4 and a half hours to remove all the tumor. As i awake my dad tells me, "It was worse than they thought, you were under for quite a while, scared the shit out of me. Glad you're awake" And all i could say is, "I have to pee"
Surgery went fine, i was on drugs and nilla waffers for three days then went back to work.
A year passed without any major problems aside from complete hearing loss in that ear and taste changes.
When i got pregnant with my son i started having some ear problems again, and my OB doctor suggested i see someone for it. I neglected. Went another year.
Half way through my college school year i decided to see my primary doctor about my ear. He insisted over and over i was taking the ear thing overboard and nothing was wrong. I explained to him, "My ear smells like baby poop and i'm getting black drainage, how is nothing wrong?" He still insisted everything was fine.
September of 2009 I was doing my externship for my college at a medical facility in Santa Fe. About a week and a half into it my ear started bleeding. The female doctor at the time took a look and said, "Shit, you need to see someone about that, it looks like a tumor." I told her about my history with the Cholesteatoma and she told me it looked like the same thing.
Two days later i hit the floor at the back of the office, to be awoken by Dr. Taylor. "whats going on?" he asked me. "I'm not sure, i passed out"... barely able to talk. He left me for a moment and got amonia. "This will help get you back" he told me as he broke it and waved it in front of my face. after about ten minutes he assisted me in sittin up. there was a puddle of blood on the floor where my head way, blood on my clothing and a few drops leading from the bathroom to me.
"you need to see your doctor tomorrow" He instructed.
"No, I can't miss a minute of my externship, I need to get an A" I insisted.
He laughed and told me a colleague would be taking me home, there's no way i should be driving without an equilibrium. I hesitated but accepted.
The next morning Dr. Taylor handed me a half-sheet of paper and said, "you have an appointment at 1:00. If it takes longer than your lunch, we'll lie to your school so you don't get docked time" and smiled. "This is how you get there...."
I saw the ear doctor... who didn't know what was going on at first. I saw him again and again... diagnosed with the reccurence of the Cholesteatoma. "Surgery on march 1st, 2010" Got a fancy head scan again.. which said no cholesteatoma. Surgery was called off.
Mid-March i got a roaring infectionin that ear sooo bad.. it was a tuesday night onset. I was up every 20 minutes. when i sat up pus literally poured form my ear down my face, neck, and on until i caught it. I had a fever of 102+. Dr Brown (ent doc) was out of town. I got my kids to the sitter and went to work but by 10am i was crying, trying to work but the pain was too much. Narcotic pain medication didn't even touch it. I went to the Doctors office and agreed to see anyone who would see me!
I sat in the exam room for an hour, crying hysterically, waiting for the doctor. When he came it he saw how distraught i was, performed some procedures which cause pure agony. Finally stopped, appologized and gave me a bunch of free samples of Levaquin, an antibiotic that would help rid the immediate infection. "you'll be on these for a while, we'll call you in a few days to see how you're doing, and Dr. Brown will be in next week so make an appointment for his soonest opening." I took his directions, and cried as i walked out the door.
Just two days later the infection seemed to be under control. I was able to work and shocked that this antibiotic was doing something for me since i'd been on EVERYTHING else and nothing worked.
So my ear was gettin better, i was seeing the doctor 3 times a week for a cleaning procedure. He did a culture of the drainage and told me, we don't want to see "blah blah blah...", if we do its very serious and we'll have to operate for sure. We'll call you with the results. I didn't really care, ear was better... but my feet were killing me. I must be working too hard, i thought.
the following week the doctor gave me the bad results and we shceduled surgery.
another week... my appt was at 8am, i was late. "sorry i'm late, doctor Brown, I couldn't get out of bed my feet have been killing me like you wouldn't believe." Well, it turned out the wonderous Levaquin gave me Peripheral Neuropathy. "Stop it immediately!" he said.
Finally, May rolls around. Surgery was May 3rd. In and out in two hours. I got an Rx for pain meds, and antibiotics. "See you wednesday!" He said as we wheeled out the door.
That evening was better than i expected. Aside from some post-op nausea, dizziness, and mild pain, I was up and ok. Scott helped me get around and even helped me get to the toilet. He went to work the next day, I layed on the couch.
He came home for lunch, I was sitting in agony... a tooth ache. Scott didn't go back to work that day, instead we went to an emergency dentist who told me the tooth should be pulled. I opte dout of the extraction since i had just undergone surgery the day before.
The drive home was not fun. I developed a fever.
99.8 degrees....100degrees. Scott and i went to bed, with the thermometer close by. Evert hour i'd awake with sweating chills, and he'd awake to my awakening. lol. "check your temp" he'd tell me every time. at 10pm it was 100. at 1130 it was 100.4, at 12am it was 100.9... at 130am i felt like hell. "do you want to call the doctor?" Scott asked. "No, it can get to 102." I replied. "What is it now?" ...... "101.5" Half a degree to go! at 200am Scott woke me up, "Adrienne, check your temperature, I can feel your heat from my side of the bed" I checked it, and sure enough it was time to call the doctor. "Scott, its 102.5" "Call the doctor, Adrienne, NOW."
So i picked up the phone. Got to speak with Dr. Brown directly. "I know i have an appointment with you tomorrow at 100 but I have a fever of 102 and its been going up steadily all night. what should i do?"
"Come in at 800am. I'll see you then."
Scott drove me to the doctor that wednesday morning. I was in agony and he was starting to not feel good, complaining about his throat hurting. I looked at it and was immediately certain that it was Strep.
Dr brown unwraped my bandage and told me my operative site looked fine. no redness, nothing out of the ordinary. No explaination for the nasty fever i had.
"Aren't you supposed to get a piccline placed?"
"yeah, i thought they wanted it done while i was under for my surgery," I told him.
"Call Dr. Palestine and see what we're gonna do about it. Actually, I'll call him and see" He said as he pulled out his phone and left the room.
A few moments later he ruturned. "His office will call you in an hour or two to set up the procedure." Until then, here's a script for some nausea medication"
Most of the conversation was between scott and Dr. Brown as i was barely conscious.
hours passed, no call.
Finally after the two of us napped in Scotts car in an empty parking lot for a while i suggested we just go to Dr. Palestine's office. (Dr.p is infectious disease specialist). And we went.
When we arrived I sat down, Scott told them was going on. Dr. P came out to the area w/o knowing we were there, did a double take on me and you could tell he was thinking... and he was concerned.
what seemeed like forever was probably only about ten minutes. we sat in the lobby waiting. And without having to tell him anything, Dr. P took us to his office.
"You look like shit, whats going on?" He asked me.
"I feel like shit. I have a horrendous fever and i can barely function."
He did a quick exam, yelled at some people on the phone about me and faxed some papers over to the hospital.
"Go to the OPPC, we're getting that line in today" he said as he directed us out.
At that point Scott was feeling so bad he called his parents to come help. When i got the OPPC scott was feeling about as bad as i was. I was taken to a gurney, asked a bunch of questions then given an antibiotic IV in my hand. My temperature at that point was 103 degrees. I would barely talk, barely think.
Scott got a gurney to lay on next to mine, and some water. hours and hours passed. The sun set. Scotts wonderful Parents showed up. at 500pm they moved me to the Cath lab. It was an empty and cold room with a dozen gurneys set up. No one seemed to be there. Scott sat beside me as they got some vital signs on me. He was upset that no one was paying attention to me, with my 103 fever, he was worried sick, stressed and pissed off. He took his temperature, 101.5. He left my bed side and his mom sat with me.
A nurse came and took my temperature, finally. She freaked out and got me some tylenol which brought it down to 101 over a period of time...
Finally a couple professionals came to my area and told me about the procedure they were going to perform. I was frightened but at the same time releaved.
The procedure was done after 40 minutes and i was able to discharge. The following day i was given antibiotics in IV bag form. I was instructed on how to infuse myself, 3x a day. Two bags each. I learned quickly that the medicine made me vomit. EVERY TIME. I lost a few pounds the first week.
Scott was very supportive... until about two weeks post-op. When he dumped me. A few days after the break up I got the piccline out. A few weeks after that i was told that everything was healing right.

Unfortunately.. It doesn't seem so and now i'm where i am. Hoping this ISNT was that was.



Reference: buzzle.com/articles/pseudomonas-aeruginosa-infection-symptoms-and-treatment.html

I want love.
Someday i want to sit beneath the stars in the arms of the love of my life, children close by... enjoying the moment. talking of wonderful things. Planning our future as a family.


today was a rough day. I woke up way earlier than i would have liked all just to go apply for food stamps. i got there early enough that i didn't have to wait forever to be seen. however the kids didn't like waiting at all.
At the end of the meeting i was told i needed to go to santa fe to get a written doctument stating that i am no longer employed with them and that my last day there was 6/30/2010. So i drove my happy ass up there... bla bla i think i wrote about this a little earlier.

anway, when i got back, i was being harassed by phone calls from Juan. "I'm gonna slip..." meaning he's gonna drink alcohol, all the while every phone call he sounded mroe and more intoxicated. Finally about 1830 he said he was gonna come smoke with Ray (non-bio-brother). He came and asked me to go out side. I graped the shoe-less aiden and we went out there. Juan looked liek hell. He was drenched in sweat, slurring his words... awful. He denied drinking. He got out of the car to say hi to Aiden who wanted him to "hold you!"... the wind blew a little and a can rolled from beneath Juan vehicle... The can was empty, 16oz can of one of Juan's favorite alcoholic energy drinks. Still he insisted it wasn't his. "mine are all in the car" he demands. "So, you're admitting to have been drinking?" I asked although i didn't need any admittance because i could smell it coming from his pores. "no, they're all old cans" and again demanded in a tone of voice like 'how-dar-you-accuse-me-of-such-things. ((Fucking alcoholics)).
Juan tells me he found out that i hate him. I asked him who told him that and he said Rene (friend of his). "I don't hate you," I said. "I just can't love you."
So the story of our relationship is that I met him at "Fall Crawl" in downtown ABQ in august of 2006. I was 18, young, dumb and intoxiciated. I was sitting on a bike-rack with elisen (sister) that night when i saw this guy walk by... and i found my self so attracted to him I ran after him, insisted we exchange numbers... he called me about four days later. I fell in love with him. Moved with him to tucson... we found out we were pregnant with out daughter. the following february he was hauled off to jail on a warrant and i was sent back to live with his parents in NM. he finally seemed to get his act together in may, i had my license by then and he flew out, then we all drove back to Tucson together. Why??? No idea. June... hot... where was Juan? not working, he lost his job... so most of the time he was out selling weed for money which he spent on beer and nothing of necessity. July I had analyn. I'm not sure Juan was even sober for her birth.
AFter she was born Juans parents and Dorthy (sister) stayed with us in Tucson for a week, which was awesome!!! i had help and i got rest... i got sick.. but i had help!! when they left everything went to shit. Analyn didn't sleep, i was breastfeeding and it wasn't going well and Juan was always out. never home. didn't do shit but drink and who knows what else. Dorothy came back about two weeks later to rescue me. But she got hooked to cocaine and disappeared too.
Finally one night Juan was drunk and i'd had enough... i tried to leave with analyn and he grabbed her out of my arms and threw her on my bed. she was only 5 weeks old. I SCREAMED at him "give me back my baby" and people came rushing to my rescue.
A few days after that my dad came and took me back to NM.
i moved in with Juan in november in Grants, NM. only for a few months. he got physical again and i left again. found out the day before i left that i was pregnant.
What a mess.
Juan lost the house in Grants, no suprise.
We both decided to move in with his parents amonth before my due dat with Aiden. Juan got a job about 40 iles north of the parents house and used the "lonbg" commute as an excuse to not come home often. Which left me huge and caring for a one-year-old child by myself. Aiden came in september... Juan was drunk the night of and barely sobered up for the actual birth.
October...december.. in january i decided that since juan couldn't keep a job i need to go to school and that's what i did. February... March i turned 21. nothing special. April... Juan spending les and less time home and more and more time drunk. End of april i learn that Juan has been sleeping around with any female that walks SINCE THE DAY I MET HIM. a week later i pack up my things and the kids things and left. my dad let me live with him indefinately... mid school- year.
So the last time i lived with them was April of 2009. Now come July of 2010 and Juan suddenly things things are gonna work out between us. Its been a year, i did some soul searching and realized what i want with my life, for my life... what kind of love. and he hasn't changed a bit. I can't love him.

oh.. ok... today.
So he decided to leave again.. back to Rene's house. Oh well. He said he'd be back in half out. Its been hour and a half. I don't care. I'll go to bed.
I just fucking wish he'd sober up and be a dad when he's supposed to be. not just leave me to take care of the kids all the time and be a dad just whenever he wants to be.





Isn't there a medicine
That can keep me from dreaming?
That can keep me from sleeping?
That can keep me from thinking?


i just want to disappear. to go away and wonder if i should ever come back. i want to go and make people miss me. I want my kids and I to have a life that will just mean something to us. and FUCK everyone else!!! (phew that felt good to just blab like that.)



Well, if you have made it through this awful blog entry, you're amazing. This is the end of it. Good night!

Trying To Forget Scott

I met Scott in November of 2009. A few good dates... my heart was ready to be his by the end of December when he accepted me as his girlfriend....
A few great months passed. Kids fell for him just as hard as i did.... and then mid-april rolled around and... things got rocky.
Two months ago, May 16th, my heart was torn out of my chest, thrown into the road and run over. Since then I've had a few guys fall head over heels for me... but I can't let myself let go of Him.
----hours pass----
You wouldn't believe what getting rid of his belongings has done to me. I feel freed, to some degree.
A few weeks ago i asked Him if i could drop off his things at his work and he freaked out, "I don't care what you do anymore, throw them away, mail them, i don't care" He told me. So I told him i'd throw them away, it'd make it easier.
I then decided I'd burn his things, take pictures, develope them and mail THAT to Him. hahaha. I kept procrastinating on burning his things, but it was something i really wanted to do. just didn't get arouind to it. So today I was up in Santa Fe getting proof from my former employer that i am no longer working there and i realized... I still have His things in my car... I'm gonna drive by one of the branches of his bank.. I should just drop the box off.
So I arrived at the bank, gave the teller his stuff, asked her to please give it to him. She said that was fine. And as soon as i left the building there was RELIEF in my soul.

Thats not the only battle i'm fighting though. Juan, Father of my children, seems to think that we have a future as a couple again. Now I know he's trying to sober up but I hate him.

Any way... i'll set down the razorblades for a little while and hope all works out. This concludes this particular blog.

my heart still hurts.

I'm still in love and i can't stand it.

Can you tell the difference between your tears and the water from the shower?

Perhaps My Final Days

Friday morning rolls around, i awake on the couch to Juan telling me to move to Analyn's bed so they don't bother me, now that they're up and awake. So I go.

Friday... Generally uneventful? I think not. I didn't get a call from Active Life telling me one way or another... instead i'm sitting waiting all day.
at 1300 I go take a test at Carrington college and score a 78.93%. Not good enough for my standards. I go home and get bitched at by Sheila (dads girlfriend of 14 years).

So I take a drive... to walgreens. Buy a ten-pack of straight-edge razorblades... and head up to the mountains. I call David but he doesn't answer. My mind is a panic.. my heart is racing, my face is soaked with tears because somehow i'm just not good enough for anything. I look down at odometer and see the picture of my and my kids. And I cry a littler harder. At the bottom of the mountain there is no where to park. Razors in my hand... ready to go I wirte a text to everyone in the immediate family. "I love you, Sorry for the mess."
Ian (only blood brother) replys: "what are you talking about?" "My life" I tell him. and I get no response. Elisen and dorothy respond "I love you too."

Juan sends me a text, "ur still there?" "no, on my way back now" I tell him. He asks me "what took so long?" and i tell him i made a few detours.

i set the razors aside and go back to his house.

I'm not feeling well. physically drained, emotionally wraught.... 2300ish i go out to my car, tears in my eyes and cut myself three times. Small cuts that hardly bleed. "I'm a wimp, i think"

I cut myself again. a deep slash this time. near the blood vessel. I cry.. i bleed. i go ask juan if i can go for a drive, not telling him my intention is to take myself to the ER. He tells me i can't go. So i cry some more.... cover the wound with gauze and go inside... feeling sick.
I vomit violently for three hours... then begin to feel better and i go to bed.




This is not sunday morning. I hate my life. I hate everything about me.
Dorothy asked me to take her to the hospital. So I do. Jeremy comes, and Linda (friend from church) takes the kids for a walk. We wait to be seen. A young child is there for no obvious reason. about three years old... noisey and mannerless.
Triage calls dorothy back. moments later she texts me saying she'd rather have jeremy go sit with her. ((i guess i was just a driver... use me... sure)) I tell her i don't care either way and i leave.
Prognosis is an ovarian cyst. She should've gotten checked out much sooner.
I went and got my kids.



Sitting in this home... home? really. NO. Not a home. its a house. a place with light and shelter... a place of anguish and stress... so why am i sittin here?

I'm in seirous consideration of leaving when everyone is sleeping... back up to the mountain and slicing my wrist at sunrise. Would anyone care? Just my kids. My sole reason for living. My only reason for being anywhere today... but woudln't they be better off w/out me?

I'm sorry for the mess i left. I'm sorry for the pain.

The Interview.

I awoke this morning to a phone call at about 0900. "Is this Adrienne?" I confirmed. On the other end of the line was Sophia from Active Life.. a potential employer. Having just woken up I did my best to be attentive and sound so as well. She explained that Christa (friend from Concentra) had given her my resume and she wanted to bring me in for an interview. "I'm available anytime, just tell me when and I'll be there." I told her. We scheduled for 1630.

I got up, got a phone call from Juan, who asks me if i can come up and help with the kids. I agree... get dressed, gather interview clothes, books to study and my computer, and proceed up to his place.

When i arrive, Juan locks himself in his room to sleep. I pull out my books to study but Aiden (my 22-month-old son) insists on laying directly on the book, to win my attention. And he does.
I put my books away and suggest we all go outside. The kids are thrilled about the idea and get their shoes on... "But wait!!" I tell them and point to the living room behind us, "whats wrong with this picture?" Analyn tells me she hasn't the foggiest idea. "its a mess!!! Clean it up and we'll go out." and the kids begin picking up their toys and books and put them where they belong, in their play-room. When finished, I grap my shirt, a needle and thread and two pieces of chalk.... and we go out. Analyn immediately draws the letter 'A' and shows me proudly. Aiden is pulling out all his toys and throwin them all over the yard.. while i measure out some thread and begin sewing my shirt to a size that fits.

Hours later it's time to eat. I send Juan (who's just on the other side of this wall) a text. "when did they eat, and what?" He comes out of his room to tell me, "pancakes. at 8." I let the kids play a little longer. 1145: Aiden tells me "EAT!" So this becomes lunch time. "what do you guys want to eat for lunch?" I ask. "macaroni and cheese" says Analyn, with certanty. I make it, set them in their high-chairs and feed them. I tell them this time they will eat, and not talk. They eat very well.

After lunch i insist Juan gets out of bed. By then i've finished sewing my shirt, feeding and playing with the kids and i'm a little tired. The kids and I brush our teeth. Juan gives me a tight hug, and he and his older brother, Sean pack up the kids and go to the park as i depart for home.

My shoes... these ugly, dirty, worn-down, white sneakers just wont do for interview. So i go hunting for a better pair. I end up at walmart with Dorothy (sister, 11-months-older) picking out a pair of heeled-loafers. They look good, they fit... and they hurt. I buy them.

at 1545 I leave for the interview. Not knowing the name of the place, only the address I find it, and park. twenty minutes early. At 1615 I go in, fill out an application and hand it back to the receptionist with my updated resume and reference page. There is a girl sitting to the left of me, here for an interview too. I think her name is Anjelica. She's pretty, dark curly hair, a little on the larger-than-average side and wearing dark blue scrubs. A man comes in and sits with her just moments before she's called back. She's in and out rather quickly. I grab a phamphlet and read it. This place is only about 13 years old, but they do cool stuff. Orthotics and Prosthetics. Sounds like fun. I'm called back for the interview, asked a series of questions and love what i'm hearing. I'm confident... excited. The interview ends and Sophia tells me she'll be in touch with me tomorrow concerning the job one way or another tomorrow. I smile, shake hands and walk out happily... solo.

Immediately a text goes out to Taylor, Juan and Andy saying that I'm confident... and i am bombarded with smiley-faced text messages in return.

Juan calls, asks me if i'll make it back up there today. At first i'm uncertain... until he tells me that it could be as late as 2100. So I agree.

Now i'm sitting at home. its 1805... I'm tired, hungry... and wondering where i set my cell phone... hmmmm. There's a medical show on TV. I think the little girl must have a parasite because she's got some horrendous vomiting and diarrhea... we'll see i guess.

For now I'm done with this entry. Keeping my fingers crossed for the job... We'll see.

Amidst the difficulties, First post.

07/07/2010

Today is wednesday. This is my first post... i'm going to try to keep it current and not go into the past toooo terribly much.

I woke up in Clovis, NM with Andy. A dark, warm hotel room surrounding us. Two naked bodies carfully intertwined... turning into more than just laying there. Unfortunately 0645 Rolled around and it was time for him to leave. He got dressed in the still-dark room as i layed naked on the bed, eager for more. And he left.
Two hours later I hear a knock. "Housekeeping!!" "Housekeeping!!" I jumped up and yelled through the door, "a few minutes please!" and she continued on to the next room. I got up, got dressed, gathered my things and wrote andy a note, "Thanks for letting me come up, I'll see you in Albuquerque. xoxo-Adrienne" and made my departure.

While driving the long drive, I received a few phone calls. The first was my oral surgeon telling me i missed my appointment. Asking me why. Quite frankly i knew i had the appointment, but i didn't want to go... spend so much money. I told her i thought it was at 1100. We rescheduled for next week. The next phone call was my bank, telling me that my car payment caused my acct to overdraft, and i now owe them $300+. Shit. Thats awesome. And the final phone call was from Josephine, telling me she forwarded my resume to HR and i need to apply online. I asked her, "do you think i have the slightest chance? I have no relevant experience" she insisted that's for the better because I'll be easier to train. First good news.

I arrive in ABQ at 1210. Juan, (father of my children) calls me to ask where i am and if i'm going to be up to his place soon. "the kids destroyed the house...." he tells me. "I'll be there in about fourty minutes, i have to apply for a job online really quick" He agrees that's a good idea.
So, Application complete, i get into the car, only to get another phone call from him. "Don't forget Analyn's shoe!" (Analyn is my soon-to-be-three y/o daughter). So i run back inside, look for the shoe, grab some broken glass in the process which cuts open my (R) hand. I find the shoe and continue on my way up there.

Upon my arrival, the house IS a mess. Juan asks me to go get food. I told him, "you get food, I'll clean." So I cleaned with the help of Analyn. Juan returns with food that i wont eat. We feed the children and proceed with naptime.... and thats about when i fall asleep on the couch in the living room. 1700 rolls around and i awake, Upset that i'd wasted time sleeping mid-day. I hung out with Juan and his family for a few more hours, attempt to get Analyn to eat but fail, and leave for home at about 1930.

Coming home I text with Taylor, Andy and Alexander. Taylor is a guy that i was falling for but he recently became distant and I'm begining to wonder.... where is any of this going? In fact, thats why i went out with andy. Wholly shit.. i'm feeling a little slutty. Not that that's bad enough, however I just went for a date with Alexander, an innocent movie that didn't even end with a kiss.

Its currently 0126 on 7/8/10.... why am i still up? I decided i should finish this blog. I'm wicked tired and I need to study for the HESI A2 exam i have scheduled for friday... or tomorrow technically. Shit... I better go to bed.

Been a relief to write all this. Lesson of the day? : ONE DECISION AT A TIME.

-ap