I want love.
Someday i want to sit beneath the stars in the arms of the love of my life, children close by... enjoying the moment. talking of wonderful things. Planning our future as a family.


today was a rough day. I woke up way earlier than i would have liked all just to go apply for food stamps. i got there early enough that i didn't have to wait forever to be seen. however the kids didn't like waiting at all.
At the end of the meeting i was told i needed to go to santa fe to get a written doctument stating that i am no longer employed with them and that my last day there was 6/30/2010. So i drove my happy ass up there... bla bla i think i wrote about this a little earlier.

anway, when i got back, i was being harassed by phone calls from Juan. "I'm gonna slip..." meaning he's gonna drink alcohol, all the while every phone call he sounded mroe and more intoxicated. Finally about 1830 he said he was gonna come smoke with Ray (non-bio-brother). He came and asked me to go out side. I graped the shoe-less aiden and we went out there. Juan looked liek hell. He was drenched in sweat, slurring his words... awful. He denied drinking. He got out of the car to say hi to Aiden who wanted him to "hold you!"... the wind blew a little and a can rolled from beneath Juan vehicle... The can was empty, 16oz can of one of Juan's favorite alcoholic energy drinks. Still he insisted it wasn't his. "mine are all in the car" he demands. "So, you're admitting to have been drinking?" I asked although i didn't need any admittance because i could smell it coming from his pores. "no, they're all old cans" and again demanded in a tone of voice like 'how-dar-you-accuse-me-of-such-things. ((Fucking alcoholics)).
Juan tells me he found out that i hate him. I asked him who told him that and he said Rene (friend of his). "I don't hate you," I said. "I just can't love you."
So the story of our relationship is that I met him at "Fall Crawl" in downtown ABQ in august of 2006. I was 18, young, dumb and intoxiciated. I was sitting on a bike-rack with elisen (sister) that night when i saw this guy walk by... and i found my self so attracted to him I ran after him, insisted we exchange numbers... he called me about four days later. I fell in love with him. Moved with him to tucson... we found out we were pregnant with out daughter. the following february he was hauled off to jail on a warrant and i was sent back to live with his parents in NM. he finally seemed to get his act together in may, i had my license by then and he flew out, then we all drove back to Tucson together. Why??? No idea. June... hot... where was Juan? not working, he lost his job... so most of the time he was out selling weed for money which he spent on beer and nothing of necessity. July I had analyn. I'm not sure Juan was even sober for her birth.
AFter she was born Juans parents and Dorthy (sister) stayed with us in Tucson for a week, which was awesome!!! i had help and i got rest... i got sick.. but i had help!! when they left everything went to shit. Analyn didn't sleep, i was breastfeeding and it wasn't going well and Juan was always out. never home. didn't do shit but drink and who knows what else. Dorothy came back about two weeks later to rescue me. But she got hooked to cocaine and disappeared too.
Finally one night Juan was drunk and i'd had enough... i tried to leave with analyn and he grabbed her out of my arms and threw her on my bed. she was only 5 weeks old. I SCREAMED at him "give me back my baby" and people came rushing to my rescue.
A few days after that my dad came and took me back to NM.
i moved in with Juan in november in Grants, NM. only for a few months. he got physical again and i left again. found out the day before i left that i was pregnant.
What a mess.
Juan lost the house in Grants, no suprise.
We both decided to move in with his parents amonth before my due dat with Aiden. Juan got a job about 40 iles north of the parents house and used the "lonbg" commute as an excuse to not come home often. Which left me huge and caring for a one-year-old child by myself. Aiden came in september... Juan was drunk the night of and barely sobered up for the actual birth.
October...december.. in january i decided that since juan couldn't keep a job i need to go to school and that's what i did. February... March i turned 21. nothing special. April... Juan spending les and less time home and more and more time drunk. End of april i learn that Juan has been sleeping around with any female that walks SINCE THE DAY I MET HIM. a week later i pack up my things and the kids things and left. my dad let me live with him indefinately... mid school- year.
So the last time i lived with them was April of 2009. Now come July of 2010 and Juan suddenly things things are gonna work out between us. Its been a year, i did some soul searching and realized what i want with my life, for my life... what kind of love. and he hasn't changed a bit. I can't love him.

oh.. ok... today.
So he decided to leave again.. back to Rene's house. Oh well. He said he'd be back in half out. Its been hour and a half. I don't care. I'll go to bed.
I just fucking wish he'd sober up and be a dad when he's supposed to be. not just leave me to take care of the kids all the time and be a dad just whenever he wants to be.





Isn't there a medicine
That can keep me from dreaming?
That can keep me from sleeping?
That can keep me from thinking?


i just want to disappear. to go away and wonder if i should ever come back. i want to go and make people miss me. I want my kids and I to have a life that will just mean something to us. and FUCK everyone else!!! (phew that felt good to just blab like that.)



Well, if you have made it through this awful blog entry, you're amazing. This is the end of it. Good night!